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Criminally Stupid Marketers


Check out what this numbnut did:

(true story)

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.

The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.

The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?

Fifteen dollars.

What a muppet eh?

You know, thisahere story reminds me of a lot of criminally-stoopid marketers online.

Two things come to mind.

And they both display a stunning combination of stupidity and misguided education.


It’s marketers who brain-fart up a herculean marketing campaign, and spend their life-savings on media advertising…..only to find out NOBODY wants their product.



Dumb, dumb, dumb.


Moron marketers who’s number one goal is to grow their Farcebook Fan page, or their Twitter followers instead their email list.

Listen Buckwheat…

Trying to do business on social media is like sitting at the kids table. Nothing but a big shouting-match to get attention.

But if you want to sit down at the adults table, where real business gets done….

Jump on Email.

Email is still the 800 pound gorilla online.

It’s where the mustard meets the marmalade.

It’s where sales and business are done.

Here’s some recent research from an online analytics company called Custora:

* There’s over 4.1 billion email accounts.

* 68% of consumers prefer email for receiving commercial messages.

*  66% of consumers have made a purchase online as a direct result of an email marketing message.


There could be something to this “email” thing.

To sum up….

To ignore building your email list is stupider than jupiter.

Imma be back later.


Kelvin Dorsey

“How To Lead a Lost Prospect To Salvation”


How art thou?

Today’s sales-sermon will be on:

How to save your prospects lost soul.

Lemme explain…

Your prospect is in someway a “lost soul”.

He has a “problem” or a “want” that needs to be solved or satisfied.

And your product is your prospects “savior”.

And just like a good hell-fire and brimstone preacher worth his salt – uses emotion (fear and guilt) to get folk crawling down the aisle… on all fours sobbing like a baby – to receive salvation…YOU as a salesperson must do the same (use emotion) when selling to a prospect, whether in print or belly to belly.

These turn-or-burn preachers know they must get the people emotionally charged up.

Because saying:

“If you don’t repent, you will burn in hell for an eternity” in a meek and mild manner… ain’t gonna get the job done.

To ensure the congregation gets emotionally whipped up, these preachers will scream, spit, snort, run, jump, do cartwheels. Anything to induce some sobbing or tears from his congregation.

Verily, verily, I say unto you…

People buy with emotion and justify with logic.

One without the other won’t get a sale.

Ya gotta have both.

Let’s take a look at the hell-fire preachers “sales message” shall we?

It’s a very insightful look into selling.


Here’s the emotion part:

Your a dirty-rotten sinner (guilt).

Your gonna rot in hell for eternity (fear, lots of it).

But, if you receive salvation, you won’t rot in hell (hope).

Here’s the logic part:

If you don’t get saved today, and you leave and get hit by a bus and get killed…would you go to heaven?

So to be sure, come down the front right now (good call to action isn’t it?).

You see, you can have an air-tight logical case for someone to buy, but without the crucial element of “emotion”, selling becomes like tryin’ to herd cats.

So the next time you find your righteous-self writing some ad copy or delivering any type of sales message, make sure you deliver it with all the passion, enthusiasm and emotion of a hell-fire and brimstone preacher.

So, if you haven’t been using emotion in your sales copy….it’s not too late for you.

Repent now!

Close your eyes and repeat this after me:

From this day forward, I will always include strong emotion in all my sales copy”.

Then, and only then, converts (buyers) you will have.



The Sales Rev. Kelvin Dorsey



Here’s part two as promised.

Just for the record, I hate “two-part” content.

But I’m also not into writing long-ass content that takes a whole coffee and a biscuit to get through.

But on this occasion, my hand was forced.

I promise this won’t become a habit Chief.

Ok, enough rambling, let’s finish this thesis.


 The Positive Traits:

*  There’s no denying that Wile E. Coyote was committed to the task at hand. It was “get bird, or die tryin’”.

50 Cent style baby!

Although… Fiddy-Cent ain’t got nothin’ on The Coyote.

I mean, the name 50 Cent screams “half-heartedness” if you ask me. Why not 100 Cent, eh?

The Lesson:

A lot of folk get into internet marketing or e-commerce thinking that somehow they can cheat on the “commitment” part.

They’re not committed.

They’re just “kinda sorta” interested.

Listen Boo Boo, just cuz it’s online doesn’t mean it’s different, easier, or less difficult.

It’s business.

And it’s gonna require all-out balls-to-the-wall commitment just like any other business.

*  The Coyote was resilient.

Wile E. Coyote makes the Terminator look a “girly-man”. The Coyote was often burnt to a crisp, squashed flat as a pancake, or at the bottom of a canyon, but would always rise to be squashed again, and again and again.

Tougher than a two-dollar steak that ol’ boy.

In fact – The Coyote was a living and breathing allegory of resilience. Just look at the definition of resilience and tell me if this ain’t Wile E. Coyote.

Here’s the definition of resilience:

The power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.


Seems like I’m “spot on” again doesn’t it?

The Lesson:

With Internet marketing, your gonna have that: “Am I ever gonna catch that damn bird?” feeling A LOT.

Money will be lost, websites will crash, advertising won’t work, products won’t sell, data will get wiped.

You WILL be tested soldier.

Will you fold, or bounce back?

Little side-note:

I’m pretty sure “tests and trials” are God’s way of ensuring “success and power” doesn’t end up in the hands of idiots.

By the word “idiot” I mean:

Lazy-slobs with no backbone…common-sense…courage…tenacity…vision or resilience (aka cry-babies).

Let’s mush on.

*  Wile E. Coyote was resourceful, no doubt.

It would of cost Wile E. Coyote a small fortune buying all those Acme products (gizmos and contraptions) by mail-order.

The Coyote was cashed up baby!

One does not get “play money” without being resourceful.

The Lesson:

You don’t need to be Donald Trump to know cash-flow is the “life blood” of a business.

Without cash-flow, it’s a tough row to hoe, yo! (ok, I’ll admit I probably pushed the rhyming thang a bit too much there).

And good ol’ fashioned “resourcefulness” is the order of the day when it comes to cash-flow.

I’m gonna quote the man with the biggest gob-full of teeth ever seen (Tony Robbins) on the topic of resourcefulness.

Here it is:

“It’s not the lack of resources, it’s your lack of resourcefulness that stops you”. (ouch)


Tru dat!

So there we go….

Done I am.


Kelvin Dorsey


Ya gotta love Wile E Coyote!

You watched The Road Runner as a kid right?

Of course ya did.

Don’t ya think that The Road Runner vs The Coyote was the most one-sided rivalry ever?

A bit like Roger Federer trying to beat Rafael Nadal at the French Open (it ain’t gonna happen).

The odds are all stacked against Roger on that one, just like they were for the Coyote vs the Road Runner.


Despite Wile E. Coyote’s complete ‘n utter failure as a hunter, the ol’ boy does have some “positive” traits that internet marketers can learn from.

But before we look at the positive traits, let’s take a look at the “negative” traits that the Coyote displayed ever-so gallantly, shall we?


So here goes…

The Negative Traits:

* Did you know that coyotes don’t hunt alone? It’s true. They hunt in groups of 2-3. Hmm. Seems Wile E Coyote was bit of a loner doesn’t it? A renegade. A social-outcast even.

He did it ALL himself and never ever sort help or advice from his coyote brethren.

The Lesson:

Take a look at any successful entrepreneur and behind closed doors you’ll see a small but loyal team working frantically. You can’t do it all ya self, Amigo. Even the Lone Ranger had Tonto, right?

All successful entrepreneurs are great team builders and networkers. And in the crazy world of internet marketing, going it alone puts you on the highway to Struggleville.

Learn how to out-source the crap you don’t wanna do, and learn to form good joint-ventures (team up with someone who has a skill you lack, and vise versa) and split the profits “fiddy-fiddy”.

*  Here’s something else you might not know: A coyote’s diet consists of lizards, mice, insects and fruit. Now this is where Wile E Coyote really falls down in my opinion.

With all that other tucker out there to eat, and he’s still chase’n down the Road Runner?


The Lesson:

Don’t be so hell-bent on your strategy and obtaining your ultimate goal, that you don’t stop to see the easier opportunity all around you.

Start small. Get small wins. Don’t be too stubborn or scared to change up your strategy.

Listen Pookie, your not impressing anyone with your ability to withstand head-butting that brick wall year after year.

*  Wile E Coyote had a severe case of “shiny object syndrome”. Did ya notice how often he had a mail-order catalog in his greedy-little-paws? A real sucker for advertising was Coyote.

He bought jet-powered roller-skates, batman wings, earthquake pills just to name a few. He just had to have the “latest and greatest” product didn’t he?

The Lesson:

Firstly, don’t buy the batman wings….they don’t work. Secondly, Don’t get sucked in by other marketers with their cunning little product launches.

Buy only what ya need, then get to work (now, that dog will hunt).

*  In some of the shows, Wile E. Coyote attempts to catch Bugs Bunny. In these, Coyote is a self-described “super-genius” and speaks with a smooth upper-class accent. And is supposedly intelligent (book-smart).

But of course he’s always out-smarted by the more “street-smart” Bugs Bunny.

The Lesson:

Nobody likes a know-it-all. Even the “good book” talks about this (pride comes before a fall) remember? And there’s plenty of “Wile E. Coyotes” online too. I like to call these folk “Googlectuals”.

These over-edumacated dweebs can set up websites, write HTML-code, and know of every single “Google algorithm” change since Google’s conception.

The founders of Google can’t even fart without these “Googlectuals” knowing about it.

But ya know what?

These folk couldn’t sell their way out of a paper bag. No street-smarts at all. Only book-smart (Wile E. Coyote).

It’s better to know how people tick, than to know what Larry Page and Sergey Brin (founders of Google) and their henchmen are cooking up next. Cuz it’s people who you sell to, and it’s people who will give you money…not Google.


I just realized I’m at a word count of 657.

This ones a biggie, and I’m only half-way.

Here’s what I’m gonna do:

I’ll turn this bad-boy into a two-parter.


Stay tuned for part two ok?


Until part two….

That’s all folks.


Kelvin Dorsey