“The world is crazier than a shithouse rat.” ~ Mac Davis
Dear subscriber,
Quick story for ya.
A sleazy-looking man was creepily following an attractive young girl around at a shopping center.
The young attractive girl was with her father, but she left him for a moment to go to the bathroom.
The sleazy-looking man followed the young girl into the bathroom. This immediately grabbed the father’s attention. When the man was questioned by the girl’s father, he said he identified as a woman.
The father then promptly knocked the man’s teeth out.
When the father was questioned by a few onlookers, the father said that he identified as the Tooth Fairy.
***
Well, you know what they say: All’s fair in love and lunacy.
Hey, speaking of lunacy, I thought it’d be helpful (and somewhat fun) to write an email about two things many, many email marketers do that are just plain looney.
Sound like fun?
Ah, sure, Kelvin.
Hey, try and contain your excitement there, Freckles. Jeez.
Now, I should probably give you a quick heads-up: My logorrhea is at its peak today. In other words, I am about to unleash a torrent of words, opinions, and rants, okay?
If you’re not up for this linguistic rollercoaster, I advise you to exit now. Or if you’re feeling adventurous, grab yourself a beverage of your choosing, relax, and let the verbosity wash over you.
Here we go.
Looney thing #1
Focusing too much on the money and too little on helping the customers.
These marketers are like seagulls at the beach, swooping in to steal your lunch. And just like those pesky birds, they don’t care about you or your sandwich. They just want to grab whatever they can and fly away. But if you want to be a successful email marketer, you need to be more like a pelican.
Hear me out.
Pelicans are majestic creatures who take their time and carefully select their food. They don’t just snatch up any old thing that crosses their path. They have standards. And that’s what you need to have, too. Standards. Standards for the products you promote, the messages you send, and the way you treat your customers. Because in the end, that’s what sets you apart from the seagulls of the email marketing world. And nobody likes a seagull. Except maybe Jonathan Livingston Seagull. But that’s a whole different story.
Looney thing #2
Phoning it in.
Yup, email marketing can be a quick, easy, and cheap way to promote your business and make sales. But that doesn’t mean you should approach it half-arsed or take it for granted. Most email marketers today are like the cast of The Great Gatsby, but with less charm and more entitlement.
Here’s what these chumps are missing:
It is an honor and privilege to have someone subscribe to your email list.
Seeing your email database as just a bunch of email addresses is a big mistake. An email database is made up of individuals. Each individual has dreams, hopes, fears, and aspirations.
Look, I realize I’m telling Noah about the flood here, but it’s not gonna hurt being reminded about such things, right?
Well anyhow, here’s a little exercise that can help you write promotional emails with more heart, soul, and gratitude.
Now, let’s say you have a list of 1,000 subscribers.
Well, the next time sit down to write a promotional email, I want you to imagine that those 1,000 subscribers (people) are sitting in an auditorium, and you have to go up on stage and present your message to them. If that were the case, how much preparation and care would you give that talk? I’m guessing you wouldn’t just phone it in. I bet that when preparing your message… you’d be very aware of the people who were about to hear your message. I bet you’d take the time to craft a memorable message that really resonates with your audience.
Now, let me address a question that keeps flaring up like an angry hemorrhoid. Stick with me. This question is relevant to this looney thing #2
That question is this: “Kelvin, what are your thoughts on AI?”
Here’s my semi-thought-out response:
Look, I know everyone’s all doom and gloom about AI taking over the world and stealing our jobs. Well, I’m not gonna lie, the recent AI innovations had my putt puckering, too. But you know what? I’m starting to welcome it. I say bring on the robots! Because the more these machines try to replace us, the more we’ll stand out as the unique, lovable, and occasionally dysfunctional creatures that we are. And let’s face it, who doesn’t love a good mess every once in a while?
It’s my contention that the more disconnected business gets from humanity we get as a society, the more we separate from humanity and run into the cold and emotionless robot arms of artificial intelligence (and artificial emotions), the more my heartfelt, emotionally filled content will stand out. I don’t care how good a counterfeit hundred-dollar bill is, it’s still a counterfeit.
I feel the same way about machine-generated copy. I don’t care how good it gets, it’s still an imitation of the real thing.
People (at least normal and well-adjusted people) want a REAL and authentic connection with another human. And what makes us human is not our perfection, but our imperfections. To say AI is going to take over human connections is like Look, AI is just technology and the end of the day. Sure, this highly sophisticated technology can do amazing things. For example, back in the day, lonely and desperate and creepy guys would date a blow-up doll. Now, with AI, these blow-up dolls are almost like real girlfriends.
But and the end of the date…. there’s one little problem with these AI girlfriends…
… THEY’RE NOT REAL!
And so it is with AI-based services. The more bots and AI take over the online business space, the more people will crave interaction with a REAL person.
Understand this:
It’s our flaws and imperfection that make us human. And it’s our flaws, insecurities, and quirks that people relate to. We connect more with people’s flaws and insecurities than we do with people’s successes.
Listen:
If you want to impress people, talk about your successes. If you want to connect and impact people, talk about your mistakes.
Nobody likes the guy who’s always gloating about their success and who never shows their humanity. These people are more annoying than Yoko Ono at a Beatles’ band rehearsal.
Bottom line:
Never just phone it in.
Write your promotional emails with heart and soul!
Type every word with passion and zeal.
Show your personality warts and all.
Considering how many bots, robots, and AI-reliant email marketers there are nowadays, the difference will be night and day.
Kinda like the difference between a date with your left hand and a date with Scarlett Johansson.
Alrighty, I’ve given you the “don’ts” about email marketing.
If you want the “dos”, you might want to check out this: https://kelvindorsey.com/email-mavericks-playbook/
Your friend,
Kelvin
Email Marketing Maverick
